On the Fulfillment of Dreams

So, I’ve come to the end of my undergraduate journey, and I feel obligated to say something profound. YES! YES! I DID IT! I got my Bachelors of Arts Degree in English! Okay, maybe not as deep as you might expect, but powerful nonetheless. It seems not so long ago that I embarked upon this educational odyssey, along with this public journal documenting the bulk of my hopes and aspirations. Until now, I’ve felt as though I have been playing catch-up and that finally, I am beginning. So, I have to be a little sappy and say to anyone over 30 or 40 or whatever, who desires an education, but think that it’s too late for them: it is never, ever too late. It is never too late to learn something new, or to reinvent yourself.

Never…ever.

For as by now we know that, "boldness has genius, power and magic in it."

And, while I shall continue working toward a Master’s of Arts in Literary Studies, this is the end of the online journal, Boldness, Genius, Power, Magic. And what a way to end; with the fulfillment of a goal! Thanks again for all of your support. If you've missed any posts, please go back to the beginning, and share the adventures of a non-traditional student all over again.

A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To A Job Fair...

Well, as my undergraduate career comes to a close, I'm working as an editorial intern for a local magazine. But, this time it's a paid internship; which is nice because I'm finally getting paid to do what I do best, write....although it is internship wages. Unfortunately, because of the current economy, (I'm going to assume that it's the economy and not my writing skills...okay), like so many other industries, the publishing business is hurting too, and as a result, it doesn't look as though I will get hired. Although I plan to be in graduate school this fall, I still must work. And, while I'd love to be working in the publishing business, instead of waiting and hoping for the "right" job, I am looking for the "right now" job.

Since I last HAD to look for a job, job hunting has changed a little. When I first came to the Atlanta area I was amazed at the fact that there were actual "Help Wanted" signs displayed all over the place. Of course, that was about 18 years ago. I've always prided myself on being able to find jobs rather easily, but now...whew! I have filled out at least 40 applications and have gotten ZERO responses. That's scary for someone who has worked all her life. The funny thing is, I've filled out all of these applications online. You can't just walk into a business now days, with your interview suit on and your honest face and apply for a job. The problem with Internet applications is that you literally become just another number, and you have no idea what happens to your application once it it delivered into the web sphere.

Then, there are the job fairs, which implies that it will be a free-for-all, fun, carnival-like, career grab bag, with enough jobs for everyone to leave with three. Lately though, they've become just another local tv news story, (along with apartment fires and shootings), looking more and more like cattle in their best outfits, all with a bag full of cookie-cutter resumes, being lead into perpetual lines wrapped around some convention center from hell. Everyone, it seems, is looking for a job; and the smiling recruiters with strong hand shakes who get paid to go from city to city to build up people's hopes seem suspiciously in on the conspiracy to make people actually believe that they will leave with a fulfilling and rewarding career.

So, I went to one such job fair that was actually called a "Career Fair," because of course, I don't want just a "job," I want a CAREER. And, that it was a CAREER fair for my school, made me feel like I might of really had a chance. Well, about a quarter of the recruiters were government entities, (I am too old to be a DEA agent or a Secret Service agent.) Then, there were the companies who wanted you to become a Manager Trainee. Another quarter of the companies were looking for interns, unpaid. And of course, no one was actually hiring, and in fact, if you wanted to apply, most suggested that you simply go to the website. A few actually collected resumes, but then what?

So my question this week has been: "Do you personally know someone who actually got a job as a result of a job fair?" I mean a REAL, pay the bills, the car note and buy groceries, job. Of course, if you don't have a job, you've got to go to these things when you can, because if you're hopeful, (like me), there's always that one, one hundredth of a chance that the job you want is there waiting for you, right?

Goethe's Couplet Holds True

I begin this year with a reflection on why I began writing this blog. It was, in part, an effort to support and celebrate my decision to leave a job and work harder toward a lifelong dream to continue my education and earn a degree. I wanted to study literature to build a foundation for my own writing. It was also an effort to quell some anxiety I had about doing it. And it was in order to motivate me to write on a more regular basis in addition to the writing I've been doing for school, and staying connected to my own creative foundation. And now as I embark upon the last semester of my undergraduate career, there is a measure of happiness and satisfaction in knowing that there is this record, (public as it may be), of my very personal endeavor.

The economy has thrown a curve ball in my plans, so while I have two classes left to take this semester, a lack of funds (and funding) has made it imperative that I find a job. And though I haven't decided yet if the blog will proceed once I have graduated, I intend to be in graduate school come August. For having taken the GRE a second time, I am one step closer after raising my score by 150 points!

So I begin 2009 with the piece from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition,1951 by William H. Murray, in which he quotes Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe. It is most comforting and encouraging for me, and it is where I got the name for this blog. In the beginning, I wrongly credited Murray for the couplet, but in the piece, he properly credits Von Goethe. Here it is again, and I hope that you too will be as inspired by it as I am.


from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition,1951
By: W.H. Murray

Until one is committed there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth,
the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself,then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour
all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,
which no man could have dreamt would come his way.
I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:'
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.'

[Artwork is "Contemplation" by painter Marcio Melo, a Brazilian artist living in Canada.]

Happy New Year!

More than Christmas, with it's notorious shopping sprees, over-played holiday music and fruit cake, I am always considerably more giddy about the new year. I always look forward to new beginnings, starting fresh and all that jazz. This year will be extra special for me because for one thing, it is the Age of Obama. We will have our very first African American president of the United States. And if that wasn't enough, come May, I will be a college graduate; a moment I've been waiting for a long time. Here's hoping all of you have a gravity defying year.

Contemplating My Non-Traditional Time

Though this semester was supposed to be a little less stressful in order to have more time to work on my thesis, I’ve managed to incorporate History Society meetings, a fitness class three days a week, Sigma Tau Delta, and a hour between classes, twice a week, for elliptical and treadmill. My victory for the last few weeks though is that I have managed to stay consistent in my workouts. (And I’ve even lost a few inches and a few pounds!)

But, I sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud. Classmates and colleagues seem to think I have it all together, but as a non-traditional student I have to work really hard to maintain some kind of orderliness in my life. And let me tell you, even though I invested in a really good planner this semester and keep my vacuum cleaner in a visible spot, the truth is, I’m not that good when it comes to organization; that is, organizing my time, activities, studies, etc. I’m more spontaneous, and I tend to handle things as they come; is that bad? I work on class assignments according to what’s due next. And if I can get in a little house cleaning, do a couple loads of laundry, cook a meal, I feel like I’ve had a productive day. But then there are those little jobs I’ve been meaning to get to, but just haven’t had the time, like taking all my photos out of old shoe boxes and buying some of those cute little photo storage boxes to file them in.

In a recent lecture on How to Write a Research Paper, there were two words that stood out for me: Time Management. Does that mean scheduling everything? Does it include learning that in the middle of your thesis that your hard drive is dying? Does that include having to wait a half hour before someone takes an hour and a half to install a new hard drive? Does Time Management include standing in those long lines at Wal-Mart to buy a frozen dinner when you don’t have time to cook? How about chatting with your spouse about how his day at work went? How about when the garage door opener stops working?
Alas, this is the life of a non-traditional student.

Life After the GRE

So I'm trying to look on the bright side after failing miserably on the Graduate Record Examination (GRE). This is the standardized test one has to take if one desires to attend graduate school. And while my hopes of getting into graduate school have been doused only momentarily (uh, I will be taking it again...you know, if at first you don't succeed, yadda, yadda, yadda), it has got me to thinking about what in the world will I do with myself come August 2009. For starters, I can try and get used to the idea of working an eight or nine hour day again. Lord knows that'll be the hardest part. I could also work on a more consistant workout schedule; loose a few extra pounds. And hey! I'll also have more time to start reading all the books that I never have time to read because of class assignments. Most of all, I'll be able to focus more on my own writing again. I wrote the most during those times when that was all I had, and now that I have a little more of a foundation I believe I can create a stronger process for myself; become more disciplined. Yes, that's it! I'll turn lemons into mojitos! Okay, so I'll use limes, but it'll work for what I could use right now.

2nd Blogger-versary!

When I started this blog two years ago, I thought I'd be a college graduate by now. Well, it seems I have one more year to go, but I've grown so much in terms of my writing, and I've gotten by with a lot less than I had imagined I could. There are moments when I feel like I couldn't write another word, when I am elated about something as simple as being on the dean's list, or the euphoria of knowing that I've finally made it into Sigma Tau Delta. There are times when I wonder how in the world will I get through graduate school, and other times when I can't wait to get to graduate school. Then there are times when "I HOPE I can get to graduate school". All in all, it's been a worthwhile sacrifice and an amazing journey. But, don't give up on me yet, I'm almost there!

[And while I'm at it, how about a new look for my last year as an undergraduate!]

Moving Right Along

Well the weather is warming up and another semester is coming to a close. And while I still have old co-workers asking, "So, when are you coming back to work?" and "Be careful, you might be too old to get a job in that field by the time you finish school," I still say, it's not the destination, it's the flowers you pick along the way. And while throughout the semester I was never quite able to get into it, I managed to finish up with an improved GPA.

So, now with one last paper to turn in, I look forward to a productive summer which will include two classes,(one a graduate class to spruce up my transcript), a part-time job, and the GRE. But, first...it's off to London town to chill with Liz, eat some fish n'chips, Piccadilly Circus, the British Museum and a weekend in Paris.

And although I hear that London is a rather cosmopolitan, relatively integrated place, I'm still curious to find those places that may be predominantly black...don't know why...I just think it would be interesting to see how and where regular black people like myself live in other places. Nevertheless, I plan on having a great time. Meanwhile, Paul Gilroy has written about race relations in Britian and is "renowned for his work exploring the social and cultural dimensions of black Britishness." Not to mention that really cool photo on the front of his book...

What Is Soul-II-Soul?

There is about four or five weeks left in the semester, and I have three 8-10 page papers to finish within that time; and not-to-mention a Spanish composition, presentation and final exam. And, while I was poised to graduate in December, I’ve decided to stick around for one more semester to try and increase my grade point average just a little more. I’m hoping this move will help increase my chances for getting into graduate school. Besides, I’ve been pursuing a college degree since I graduated in 1981, one more semester won’t kill me…(or at least, I hope it won’t).

So, meanwhile, I’m thinking about my trip to London coming up in May, and wondering how I should spend my free time while I’m there. For this two-week trip, I’ll receive three semester hours, so tours, theatre, reading a novel, and some class time will count as course work. But, evenings and weekends we’ll be on our own. One of those weekends, I’m certain will be spent in Paris (or possibly Venice but, I’d prefer Paris). And, I’ve been online checking out jazz spots: Jazz Café, 606 Club and maybe Spitz. And, then I got to thinking, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to see Jazzie B and Soul-2-Soul perform in some, cozy joint in London?

And, whatever happened to Soul-2-Soul anyway? And, Caron Wheeler…and Carl McIntosh with Loose Ends? Y'all remember "Keep on Moving", Wheeler's "I Adore You", and "Hangin' On a String".

This is why I love the internet. It turns out that all three of these 80’s, British R&B hipsters have MySpace pages. And, though I don’t think Loose Ends is still performing (hit me up, if you know different), it just so happens that Jazzie B will be performing at Jazz Café twice while I’m in London town. If I can make that set, it alone might just be worth the trip.

A New Year, A New Semester

Next week begins the final year into my quest for a Bachelors degree, a semester that will be at the least engaging, if not arduous. I chose to forgo my gig in the President’s Office, and instead take on an 18 hour load which includes an internship with a literary journal. I will also be doing a directed research for which I created the syllabus. (I’ll talk about that in the next post.) I actually only have classroom time for my four other courses which includes fourth semester Spanish, Renaissance Literature, African American Literature before 1850, and a Contemporary Literature course. And, because I’m not working in an office everyday, I can revert to the comfort and ease of wearing jeans and tennis shoes to school again, ah….

I’m excited about this New Year, because for the first time since I first pursued a college education many, many years ago, I am actually beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel; my goal of continuing my studies and building a foundation for a writing career is conceivably in my reach.

Studying 19th Century Black Women Writers

So, one of the highlights this semester for me will be this directed research that I’ll be doing. This is like, taking a class, only I’ll be the only student. That’s a good thing in that I’ll get time and attention (or at least I think I will) with studying and focusing on a subject or genre of particular interest to me. It will be under the direction and guidance of a professor that I’ve chosen, and I’ll be using this information to help prepare for my thesis in the fall. I had to create and propose the syllabus for this research, which had to be accepted by he Language and Literature department head. For me, this subject will be 19th century African American women writers.

The two texts I’ve chosen as primary are Reconstructing Womanhood: The Emergence of the Afro American Woman Novelist by Hazel V. Carby and Written By Herself: Literary Production by African American Women, 1746-1892 by Francis Smith Foster (a scholar at Emory University that I hope to ultimately have more interaction with). The writers that I’ll be studying are the narratives of Harriet Jacobs and Elizabeth Keckley, Anna Julia Cooper, Pauline Hopkins, Francis E.W. Harper, Ida B. Wells, and Mary Church Terrell. It will be interesting to study the similarities and the individualities of these black women and their work through the veil of the Victorian era and in the aftermath of the Civil War.

Fall Semester, 2007

Another fall semester has descended upon me, and I am officially beginning my countdown to graduation. And while graduation won’t actually be until December 2008, I am just making sure that all my ducks are in a row and that everything will go according to plan. As I wind down to that anticipated date, most of my studies will be in my major, English, as I have planned it that way. But, I still have a couple of classes to fulfill some of my core requirements, one of which is Spanish. Then there’s Astronomy…a science for English majors... (clearing my throat).

As usual, I am looking forward to the literature classes, because I get read fiction and/or novels that I’ve always wanted to read but never got around to it. In British Literature II, I’ll be reading Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte and Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. I’m also taking the course, Women and Literature, which promises to be an intriguing and diverse mixture of American, Modernist/Post Modernist women writers. I’ve already begun reading Bastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy Allison, about growing up poor in South Carolina. This story has already plucked familiar emotional strings from my own childhood and is now very hard to put down. In addition to Allison there’s Tony Morrison’s Bluest Eye, which I’ve read before, but this will be a great time to read it again. Along with a Katherine Ann Porter reader there’ll be Sweat by Zora Neale Hurston, The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gillman (two short stories), and Coming of Age in Mississippi by Anne Moody.

Actually, it seems that all of my reading will be women authors.This much reading in the next four months will be grueling, but I have done it before, and ingesting so many satisfying narratives leaves me feeling, hmmm, spent, content and with a sense of accomplishment.

Experience, Imagination, Passion

While I’m still not convinced that someone can be taught to be a great or even a good writer, I believe that anyone with a talent for creating stories can learn to do it better. Grammar and writing skills can be taught, and I think it is safe to say that Formalism has its place. But, I think it takes more than knowing where to put your commas to create good literature. And, it is for these reasons that I choose to earn a literary degree rather than a creative writing degree. But, in the midst of my literary studies, I opted this semester to take the course, Advanced Prose. This will, I hope give me an opportunity to work on some of my own projects, processes and provide a little academic relief from the other four classes that I will be taking. I’m a little nervous though, because the professor is a French chick with a couple of poetry books under her belt. (A poet teaching prose, hmmm?) But, hey, she has a Ph.D., so I’m gonna take my chances.

British Lit: Only the Beginning

The one thing I like about taking a class in the summer is, by the time you begin to get burned out, the class is over. I began this British Literature class feeling a little intimidated, wondering if there would be anything that would command my attention without leaving me feeling, well, a little inadequate. I mean, come on, let's face it, the thought of trying to decipher Chaucer's Middle English or the courtly love poetry of Thomas Wyatt can seem as daunting and unattainable as Sir Phillip Sidney's Stella is for Astrophil. But, fortunately I had a really cool professor who allowed for many silly misinterpretations in an effort to get us to relax about the whole Brit-Lit thing. The result for me is a hard-earned A in the class, and a healthy appreciation for our British, literary predecessors. Of all the works we read, the ones I enjoyed the most were Twelfth Night or What You Will by William Shakespeare, Paradise Lost by John Milton and a really surprising story that was saved for last. It's called Oroonoko or The Royal Slave. It was published in 1688 by Aphra Behn; a woman. She tells the story of Oroonoko, an African Prince, his love for the beautiful, and strong, black woman, Imoinda, and how they were kidnapped and sold into slavery in Surinam. It was surprising to read this story among the usual line-up of dead, white men normally resurrected for such a class. Behn is a genre bender, writing at once a memoir, a biography and travel narrative, which is credited for being possibly the first novel. It is beautifully written, engaging, and I imagine, it had roughly the same effect on British women of the time as did Harriette Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin just before the Civil War. Try it on for size. It's not very long, and hey look...here's a free copy! For me, this is only the beginning; for I intend to take British Lit after 1800 in the fall. And, you know what that means...Virginia Woolf, baby, yeah!

Blog Anniversary!

Considering the anxiety I imposed upon myself at its inception, it's almost hard to believe that I've been blogging for a whole year. Not only that, it's been just about a year since I left my job to become a full-time English major. Do I regret it? Not for one minute. I'm still excited about continuing my education, building a strong literary foundation for my writing life. And while at times it has been dangerously close to nail bitting, I have managed to add to my learning experience in ways that I might not have otherwise been able to do, had I still been working. I have interned with an Atlanta weekly, been to a national writing conference, made the dean's list, worked in the office of the president, and...drum roll please: I'll be presenting a paper at a conference in the fall.

The past year has been wonderful. Thanks to all of you who have contributed by reading, commenting and telling others about the fantastical journey of a non-traditional student. (And especially thanks to you CFM, for your contributing support. ;)

First Life Overloaded? Try a Second!

Well, now that I've safely made it through the first half of an Early British summer with a midterm 'A', I can tell you about my latest partial obsession. I think it's even better than Spider Solitare as a being totally time consuming and an excellent object for procrastinating when I should be studying: it's Second Life! It's an online, three-D world where you create a personality, live, work and play....like in real life...but, it's sort of a cartoon...with some very real like avatars...or, people....anyway, it's a lot of fun.

For my second life, I've chosen to be a man...a black man. (Hey, why not?) And, I'm trying to see just how much second life money I can make on a free account. Second life money is called Linden dollars, after the company in San Francisco that developed it called Linden Research Lab, Inc. With Linden dollars you can buy and sell anything from yourself...yeah...to an island.

Not are there companies that are experimenting with Second Life to do virtual job interviews, but apparently some people are even finding religion in their second life.

For me, it's just a fun way to relax exercise my computer skills.

Imagine me: In the middle of my living room floor, surrounded by scraps of paper, colored markers, and glue sticks. Well, that’s exactly where I was yesterday, preparing for a poster presentation in my tutoring class. Had no idea what my focus was until the last minute, and had no idea how to put it together. Standing around in Staples, I begin picking up all the stuff I thought might work until I realized, this was costing me way more than I had intended. But, then I remembered that book, All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum and it hit me: I need some construction paper, a glue stick, some colored markers and some scissors. You know what? It worked just fine. I had the feeling of being in a grade school art class, and as vexed as I was, it was actually kind of fun. That nagging pain that I had going down my neck and shoulders begin to let go as I scrupulously focused on cutting perfectly around the edges of my 21st century stick man. The focus of my poster was how our backgrounds and ideologies can sometimes get in the way of a tutoring session. From making eye contact with a student, to conflicts about whose responsibility it is to direct the session, conflicting goals and how past learning experiences all influence how we tutor.

Non-Traditional Stress

So, another semester is coming to a close. I’m getting that aching, tension signal in my back, up my neck, and in the center of my head indicating the approaching week of intellectual haze students trek through on automatic called, finals. For a non-traditional student, over 40, it is a lonely trek. All of the people I know who are my age are working overtime to make the payment on a timeshare in Florida. Or, they are peeking through the door of their children’s bedroom to make sure they are not hanging out in all the wrong chat rooms. Or, just relaxing from a long day of work in front of the TV, with a beer. There’s no one in my immediate circle who understands how, no matter how great my desire was to be back in school, it can be solitarily stressful. The demands to do well, to excel in a sea of kids who can text message ten people before you even dial one number gets annoying by this time. Or, the kid who says, “You actually read the book? I never read”, but they ace every exam; who are these people? Don’t think I’ll be making that deans list this time around, but anyway, it’s nearly over. For thirty days I can chill, before I rev back up for the summer.

Tutoring Rant

I was recruited to enroll in a class called “Issues and Methods in Writing Consultancy”, and I decided to participate, mainly as an opportunity to hone my tutoring skills, earn a stipend and make an attractive grad school candidate. I was encouraged by my internship professor, and when they said, “It’ll help you improve your own writing,” my self-serving mechanism really kicked in. The whole idea grabbed me by my ego. Somehow I began doing well; I received an ‘A’ for midterm, but I’m not sure how. The assignments seem scattered, mostly our own personal thoughts of what we are learning so far. But, because this is my schools’ inaugural writing center, we’ve focused a lot on how to build this writing studio for students to come seeking guidance for their writing.

A writing center, mind you, is not a proofreading, “check-my-paper-for-errors-and-I’ll-be-back-to-pick-it-up-in-an-hour” kind of drop off place. It is a place where writers, campus wide, can get someone to sort of collaborate with them and help them organize their ideas, help them create a process for themselves; help them be more creative, no matter what kind of writer they are. But, after checking out a few writing centers at other schools, like Emory University, establishing a writing center takes more than an idealistic rhet and comp professor and a few green students hoping to comp an internship. And, with all the articles and essays that’s been thrown at me about the challenges of tutoring ESL students, and students-over- thirty, reluctant students, and students with papers about why men are simply better than women or why God don’t like gay people, we’ve not read one thing about how to open a writing center.

So, HELP! Help, I say! If anyone out there has any information, a book, an article about the challenges of establishing a writing center for a university, please, please hep’ a sistah out.

Adventures of a Non-Traditional Student: Oh the Places You Will Go

I’m at the point in my student career where, okay let’s face it: it’s time to make a couple of dollars. I was beginning to feel like I need to have some kind of steady cheddar (income), and besides that, my loan money is running out. I decided to try and get a job on campus. I could work it in-between classes; I gotta go on campus anyway, so I’d save on gas. And, I could study in-between. I tried for a student stipend-ed position, but didn’t get it. Then, I applied for a position in the Office of Student Affairs; that’ll look good on my grad school application. Well, that fell through also. So, I thought: Starbucks! I’ve worked at Starbucks before, and that was one of my favorite jobs. They’ve just opened one a mile from my house, I can work the hours around my schedule, and I am still in touch with the cool young lady who used to be my supervisor, who is now a district manager, and I could probably get in quickly.

Well, the day I delivered my application to Starbucks, AE, the very cosmopolitan young lady I attended AWP with, called and asked, “Are you still interested in my spot in the President’s Office?” I thought, Starbucks who? Any way, it turns out that AE, who currently works in the President’s Office, will be transferring to a bigger University next fall. I’d forgotten that she’d told me she’d refer me to her boss as a possible replacement. Well, she referred me, and I started training today! I was a little nervous because, well, it’s the President’s Office. In several semesters of being back in school, I’d never even looked in the President’s Office, let alone seek a job there. It doesn’t pay much, because it’s a student position. But, I’ll be greeting the school’s VPs, deans and whatnot throughout the week, helping to keep the President abreast of his meetings, sorting mail, and making coffee, etc. And, the best parts: I can study while I’m there, and man, that’s gonna look good on my grad school application.