On the Fulfillment of Dreams

So, I’ve come to the end of my undergraduate journey, and I feel obligated to say something profound. YES! YES! I DID IT! I got my Bachelors of Arts Degree in English! Okay, maybe not as deep as you might expect, but powerful nonetheless. It seems not so long ago that I embarked upon this educational odyssey, along with this public journal documenting the bulk of my hopes and aspirations. Until now, I’ve felt as though I have been playing catch-up and that finally, I am beginning. So, I have to be a little sappy and say to anyone over 30 or 40 or whatever, who desires an education, but think that it’s too late for them: it is never, ever too late. It is never too late to learn something new, or to reinvent yourself.

Never…ever.

For as by now we know that, "boldness has genius, power and magic in it."

And, while I shall continue working toward a Master’s of Arts in Literary Studies, this is the end of the online journal, Boldness, Genius, Power, Magic. And what a way to end; with the fulfillment of a goal! Thanks again for all of your support. If you've missed any posts, please go back to the beginning, and share the adventures of a non-traditional student all over again.

Goethe's Couplet Holds True

I begin this year with a reflection on why I began writing this blog. It was, in part, an effort to support and celebrate my decision to leave a job and work harder toward a lifelong dream to continue my education and earn a degree. I wanted to study literature to build a foundation for my own writing. It was also an effort to quell some anxiety I had about doing it. And it was in order to motivate me to write on a more regular basis in addition to the writing I've been doing for school, and staying connected to my own creative foundation. And now as I embark upon the last semester of my undergraduate career, there is a measure of happiness and satisfaction in knowing that there is this record, (public as it may be), of my very personal endeavor.

The economy has thrown a curve ball in my plans, so while I have two classes left to take this semester, a lack of funds (and funding) has made it imperative that I find a job. And though I haven't decided yet if the blog will proceed once I have graduated, I intend to be in graduate school come August. For having taken the GRE a second time, I am one step closer after raising my score by 150 points!

So I begin 2009 with the piece from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition,1951 by William H. Murray, in which he quotes Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe. It is most comforting and encouraging for me, and it is where I got the name for this blog. In the beginning, I wrongly credited Murray for the couplet, but in the piece, he properly credits Von Goethe. Here it is again, and I hope that you too will be as inspired by it as I am.


from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition,1951
By: W.H. Murray

Until one is committed there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth,
the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself,then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour
all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,
which no man could have dreamt would come his way.
I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:'
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.'

[Artwork is "Contemplation" by painter Marcio Melo, a Brazilian artist living in Canada.]

Happy New Year!

More than Christmas, with it's notorious shopping sprees, over-played holiday music and fruit cake, I am always considerably more giddy about the new year. I always look forward to new beginnings, starting fresh and all that jazz. This year will be extra special for me because for one thing, it is the Age of Obama. We will have our very first African American president of the United States. And if that wasn't enough, come May, I will be a college graduate; a moment I've been waiting for a long time. Here's hoping all of you have a gravity defying year.

Contemplating My Non-Traditional Time

Though this semester was supposed to be a little less stressful in order to have more time to work on my thesis, I’ve managed to incorporate History Society meetings, a fitness class three days a week, Sigma Tau Delta, and a hour between classes, twice a week, for elliptical and treadmill. My victory for the last few weeks though is that I have managed to stay consistent in my workouts. (And I’ve even lost a few inches and a few pounds!)

But, I sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud. Classmates and colleagues seem to think I have it all together, but as a non-traditional student I have to work really hard to maintain some kind of orderliness in my life. And let me tell you, even though I invested in a really good planner this semester and keep my vacuum cleaner in a visible spot, the truth is, I’m not that good when it comes to organization; that is, organizing my time, activities, studies, etc. I’m more spontaneous, and I tend to handle things as they come; is that bad? I work on class assignments according to what’s due next. And if I can get in a little house cleaning, do a couple loads of laundry, cook a meal, I feel like I’ve had a productive day. But then there are those little jobs I’ve been meaning to get to, but just haven’t had the time, like taking all my photos out of old shoe boxes and buying some of those cute little photo storage boxes to file them in.

In a recent lecture on How to Write a Research Paper, there were two words that stood out for me: Time Management. Does that mean scheduling everything? Does it include learning that in the middle of your thesis that your hard drive is dying? Does that include having to wait a half hour before someone takes an hour and a half to install a new hard drive? Does Time Management include standing in those long lines at Wal-Mart to buy a frozen dinner when you don’t have time to cook? How about chatting with your spouse about how his day at work went? How about when the garage door opener stops working?
Alas, this is the life of a non-traditional student.

Life After the GRE

So I'm trying to look on the bright side after failing miserably on the Graduate Record Examination (GRE). This is the standardized test one has to take if one desires to attend graduate school. And while my hopes of getting into graduate school have been doused only momentarily (uh, I will be taking it again...you know, if at first you don't succeed, yadda, yadda, yadda), it has got me to thinking about what in the world will I do with myself come August 2009. For starters, I can try and get used to the idea of working an eight or nine hour day again. Lord knows that'll be the hardest part. I could also work on a more consistant workout schedule; loose a few extra pounds. And hey! I'll also have more time to start reading all the books that I never have time to read because of class assignments. Most of all, I'll be able to focus more on my own writing again. I wrote the most during those times when that was all I had, and now that I have a little more of a foundation I believe I can create a stronger process for myself; become more disciplined. Yes, that's it! I'll turn lemons into mojitos! Okay, so I'll use limes, but it'll work for what I could use right now.

2nd Blogger-versary!

When I started this blog two years ago, I thought I'd be a college graduate by now. Well, it seems I have one more year to go, but I've grown so much in terms of my writing, and I've gotten by with a lot less than I had imagined I could. There are moments when I feel like I couldn't write another word, when I am elated about something as simple as being on the dean's list, or the euphoria of knowing that I've finally made it into Sigma Tau Delta. There are times when I wonder how in the world will I get through graduate school, and other times when I can't wait to get to graduate school. Then there are times when "I HOPE I can get to graduate school". All in all, it's been a worthwhile sacrifice and an amazing journey. But, don't give up on me yet, I'm almost there!

[And while I'm at it, how about a new look for my last year as an undergraduate!]

A Lot of Music in a Tiny Box

So, I didn't make a resolution, but I starting working out and eating less back in October in anticipation of graduating in December a size 8. (Hey, it's possible!) And, for small weight loss milestones I'm trying to reward myself with something other than food. For example, instead of a slice of cheesecake, I give myself a nice, hot bubble bath, or a CD, or a new blouse, right? So, today I rewarded myself with an iPod Shuffle; it's like the iPod Nano for those of us who can't afford the $150 bucks for the Nano. Which is fine. It holds 250 songs and that's just enough to fuel my workout. I spent the evening loading it up with my first workout playlist, (which was no small feat if you're over 40).

Once done, I got a pretty good workout in my kitchen. (No carpet there, so I slide a lot easier in my socks!) Now, I consider my music taste to be relatively diverse, but for a workout, I downloaded some good old fashion party music. I start off kinda mellow, and crank it up and then cool it down. Check out my playlist:

1) Private Party by India Irie

2) Diamond in da Ruff by Jaheim

3) I Am Not My Hair by India Irie

4) How to Survive in South Central by Ice Cube (yeah, that's right!)

5) Home Alone by R. Kelly & Keith Murray

6) Work That by Mary J. Blige

7) Wanna Be Startin' Something by Michael Jackson

8) Pressure by Sounds of Blackness

9) Just Fine by Mary J. Blige

10) Atomic Dog by Parliament Funkadelic

11) Represente by Orishas

12) There's Hope by India Irie

A New Year, A New Semester

Next week begins the final year into my quest for a Bachelors degree, a semester that will be at the least engaging, if not arduous. I chose to forgo my gig in the President’s Office, and instead take on an 18 hour load which includes an internship with a literary journal. I will also be doing a directed research for which I created the syllabus. (I’ll talk about that in the next post.) I actually only have classroom time for my four other courses which includes fourth semester Spanish, Renaissance Literature, African American Literature before 1850, and a Contemporary Literature course. And, because I’m not working in an office everyday, I can revert to the comfort and ease of wearing jeans and tennis shoes to school again, ah….

I’m excited about this New Year, because for the first time since I first pursued a college education many, many years ago, I am actually beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel; my goal of continuing my studies and building a foundation for a writing career is conceivably in my reach.

First Presentation Now Just a Memory

The Southern Women's Writer's Conference has come to a close, and my first presentation was very successful. It was a small conference, so all that stressing I did over my little paper was for nothing. The Berry College community (about one and a half hours north of Atlanta) was very welcoming and the campus was beautiful, idyllic even. But, my most memorable moment at the conference was...no, not my presentation. It was meeting Ms. Vertamae Grosvner. She spoke at one of the lunches, but while I walking accross the scenic campus, I heard that distinct Gullah accent asking for directions to the dinning hall. She was radiant and hip and I just had to introduce myself. Poet, actress, culinary anthropologist, and writer Vertamae Grosvenor is the reason I know how to cook rice ("properly" she added). She also had a featured role in Julie Dash's Daughters of the Dust (one of my most favorite movies), on which she was a language consultant.

Experience, Imagination, Passion

While I’m still not convinced that someone can be taught to be a great or even a good writer, I believe that anyone with a talent for creating stories can learn to do it better. Grammar and writing skills can be taught, and I think it is safe to say that Formalism has its place. But, I think it takes more than knowing where to put your commas to create good literature. And, it is for these reasons that I choose to earn a literary degree rather than a creative writing degree. But, in the midst of my literary studies, I opted this semester to take the course, Advanced Prose. This will, I hope give me an opportunity to work on some of my own projects, processes and provide a little academic relief from the other four classes that I will be taking. I’m a little nervous though, because the professor is a French chick with a couple of poetry books under her belt. (A poet teaching prose, hmmm?) But, hey, she has a Ph.D., so I’m gonna take my chances.

Blog Anniversary!

Considering the anxiety I imposed upon myself at its inception, it's almost hard to believe that I've been blogging for a whole year. Not only that, it's been just about a year since I left my job to become a full-time English major. Do I regret it? Not for one minute. I'm still excited about continuing my education, building a strong literary foundation for my writing life. And while at times it has been dangerously close to nail bitting, I have managed to add to my learning experience in ways that I might not have otherwise been able to do, had I still been working. I have interned with an Atlanta weekly, been to a national writing conference, made the dean's list, worked in the office of the president, and...drum roll please: I'll be presenting a paper at a conference in the fall.

The past year has been wonderful. Thanks to all of you who have contributed by reading, commenting and telling others about the fantastical journey of a non-traditional student. (And especially thanks to you CFM, for your contributing support. ;)

On Possession of My Gift

So, I’m taking a class this semester called “Issues and Methods in Writing Consultancy”. Sounds serious, huh? It’s actually a class to help me develop my tutoring skills in order to intern in a new writing center that the university is establishing. Key students were invited to participate in this inaugural program, and I was one of them. I never thought much about tutoring. Most people just want you to correct grammatical errors, or even sometimes they want you to tell them what to write. But, I thought hey, not only will it create an opportunity to earn credit hours towards my degree and a stipend, it will also look good on my application for graduate school, and perhaps I could snatch one of those teaching assistantships at Georgia State. But, when in class the professor wanted us to openly talk about our own writing process, I felt myself begin to withdraw, wondering if I’d made a mistake.

It was like being asked to strip down to my underwear, and I was wholly unprepared for how awkward and potentially exposed I felt. That was when I realized just how personal, how internal my writing process is. Who knew? First, I’ve never truly committed to a process. Writing, I thought, is just something I do. And, when I talk about it, I chose who to talk about it with. While everyone else in the class was eager to tell what seemed like a lot about themselves and their writing, I've never wanted to gather a crowd of people and entertain them with what amounts to my private sphere.

I felt myself at a crossroads. But, somehow deciding to let my guard down in order to develop the skill of tutoring, and perhaps help others cultivate their own writing processes, I feel that I have already shattered some barriers in my own writing.

Open-ended Discovery

On this excursion to see if this thing inside me is real, I am tiptoeing,

almost child-like as I am coming to realize how threadbare I must become as I

submit to words; past, present and in the ether. Literature is a fast

moving vehicle, upon which I will have to grasp hold of tightly, but with my

eyes dilated, and my mouth opened wide, sucking in every dimension of theory,

its metaphors, its adjectives and dangling participles. Lurking somewhere

in all of this exploration and query are my own words and expressions being

remembered, rediscovered, and created. They are sometimes frightful and sad.

Sometimes they are ambitious. And, sometimes they are nonsensical.

They are serious and lopsided and full of micro waved, popcorn induced ideas

about spirituality. They are riding on warm, brackish ripples of

apprehension and testimony. Yet, they are uniquely my own and

unapologetic. I own this. I own them, and they me.

Speaking Without Fainting

I have this idea that one day I will have to read my work in front of a lot of people…or, maybe I’ll have to introduce someone who will read their work in front of a lot of people. Nevertheless, I want to be able to perform this task without feeling faint, having to suddenly go the restroom, or trembling. So, I joined Toastmasters International with the hope that I can gain some confidence when speaking before an audience.

Today I gave my first speech, which was basically the post On Risk Taking and Anxiety. I was originally supposed to give it a month ago, but I chickened out and postponed it until I got up my Umnph. Still I felt faint, had to suddenly go to the restroom, and was shaking so bad I really had to make a conscious effort to hide it. The first speech, which is called the Icebreaker, is supposed to be the easiest because you talk about the subject you know best; yourself. But, for me this will probably be the most difficult because it is about myself. Being in Toastmasters is kind of like growing up in the church and you had to recite your first Easter speech. No matter how horrible you were, people clapped and cheered; because they wanted you to feel comfortable. They wanted you to gain the confidence to keep trying until you got it right. You could have one ponytail undone, the other one sticking straight up in the air, and a finger up your nose, but people encouraged you. That’s what being in Toastmasters is like. It gives you opportunities to speak before people and to take on roles that develop leadership ability. You receive honest and constructive encouragement and criticism, and you practice being a speaker and a leader until you get it right.

This was just my first speech and everyone was very supportive, but I intend to go back and keep trying until I know I nailed it. And, next time, I’ll try to keep my finger out of my nose.

Warning: Providence Moving

One of my most cherished couplets is included in the writings of William Hutchison Murray, a Scottish writer and mountain climber, who chronicled his experiences in many books about the art and craft of climbing. It is a passage in his 1951 book titled, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, and incorporates the verse most often associated with Germany’s Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. The couplet reads:

'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.'

It is an incredibly inspiring and empowering thing to remember when attempting to do what everybody says you can’t, or shouldn’t. And, if you are of any faith at all, it is the entirety of the piece that truly gives power to whatever endeavour you choose.

In the past, I have worked as a hotel housekeeper, a custodian, a security guard, a sales clerk, and a reservations agent. I’ve flipped burgers, fried chicken, answered phones and thrown newspapers in the middle of the night. So many times, I’ve been employed in places where I have to remind myself that, “This is not who I am, this is what I do.” Now, I am excited to announce that I am ‘The Oldest Intern’. And, for the first time I will be working in an environment that will, in a small, first-step kind of way, affirm who I am: a writer. In addition to working for a local newspaper, I am also been considered for a position with my school’s newspaper as the Managing Editor, and eventually the Editor-In-Chief. This position, though only a student position, comes with a small stipend, which I would gladly accept. It is a position that I’d wondered about before, but because I was so ‘caught up’ with the day-to-day nonsense of the job, I never really had time or energy to pursue it. Now, with my resignation day close at hand (one week!), and my mind and spirit at ease, opened to new blessings and possibilities, this proposition just dropped into my email. I once heard someone say something like, ‘grace is what happens when you’ve tried the very best that you can, and then the universe steps in to help.’

I believe it.

from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, 1951
By: W.H. Murray

Until one is committed there is hesitancy,

the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth,

the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself,then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour

all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,

which no man could have dreamt would come his way.
I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:'

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.'

On Risk Taking and Anxiety

Going to work everyday, I literally began to feel hopeless.
I know I need to work on my writing, and I am still developing
the confidence that I have any real talent or skills. I just know I
need the chance to work on it. I’ve been working full-time, going to
school part-time, and it is very frustrating. Although many people
work, and go to school at the same time, just being in the “just ten
more years until I retire” environment of a government job is agonizing
and depressing. I want to do something more. Like a lot of people, I’ve
talked about leaving my job to do what I’ve always wanted to do: write.
My work skills are minimal at best (I’m a damn good typist), but nowhere
except with the United States government could I make the money I do,
with benefits that are almost obsolete in the real world, without a degree.
I know if I leave, I may never have a job this good again, unless of course,
I go back. But, if I become full-time in school now, I can have a
Bachelors degree in a year and a half, (a Masters in three and a half, if I
plan it right). School is important because, I don’t want to just make money
writing. I want to study the history and forms of literature, theory and
criticism, maybe teach on the college level, and have opportunities to write
in areas that would require a degree. I want the credentials.
So, at 43, once again in my life, I am throwing caution to the proverbial wind.

There is no way to know if the decisions we make will be the correct one.
Even the decision not to make a decision will still generate an effect.
It is a cause to not make a cause. Do risk takers feel anxiety? A month
from now, I will be risking some things to pursue my dream and goal of
completing my education to become a writer. I will leave the security of a
good job for financial instability, at a time in my life where I should be
creating a nest egg, in the pursuit of a career that I should have achieved years
ago. Unless one is already financially independent, there is no perfect time
to leave a job to go to school. And, yet I stand at the threshold of another
opportunity to live the life and achieve the dreams of my youth. I want to
prove to the cosmos that I am conscious of my worth in the universe;
that I am capable of reaching the potential it has reserved for me.
Am I anxious?
Maybe.
But, I’m ready.